In this post, I want to talk about the struggle of people-pleasing, something I’ve dealt with for years. It often starts with old wounds that make us put others’ needs ahead of our own. We end up doing things others could handle, and over time, it drains us.
Many of us think that by putting ourselves last for family, friends, and neighbors, we’re serving God. But this way of thinking can lead us off track and even into sin. So, how do we tell the difference between genuine kindness and people-pleasing? Read more as I explain the fine line and what the Bible has to say about it.
People-Pleasing: How to Spot It
It may seem strange for me to share the signs of people-pleasing since the phrase itself seems self-explanatory. But the truth is, I didn’t even realize I was doing it.
It had become such a habit that it felt like second nature. The people around me didn’t even have to ask for help—just expressing their dissatisfaction was enough to trigger my people-pleasing mode. I would jump in, eager to do whatever I could to meet their needs.
So, here are some signs to look out for:
- Always Saying Yes: You have a hard time saying “no,” even when you’re overloaded or doing things you don’t want to do.
- Craving Approval: You depend on others’ praise to feel good about yourself.
- Avoiding Disagreements: You stay quiet or agree just to keep the peace, even if it doesn’t align with your beliefs.
- Taking on Too Much: You say yes to every request, which leads to stress and burnout.
- Feeling Responsible for Others’ Feelings: You think it’s your job to keep everyone happy, even when it drains you.
- Ignoring Your Own Needs: You put everyone else first and forget to take care of yourself.
- Over-Apologizing: You apologize too much, even when you haven’t done anything wrong, just to avoid upsetting others.
- Going Along with the Crowd: You agree with others just to fit in or avoid criticism, even if it goes against your beliefs.
Evaluating Your Intentions: Are You Pleasing God or Seeking Approval?
People-pleasing is something I often see among brothers and sisters in the faith. While we want to serve and be helpful within the church, there’s a fine line between genuine kindness, being led by God, and falling into people bondage.
Here’s the issue: people-pleasing can turn into a form of idolatry. When we seek others’ approval, we create a false image of ourselves and try to control how others see us. Genuine kindness should come from the heart, rooted in a desire to please God—not to gain validation from others. Anything we place before pleasing God can easily become a trap.
As Galatians 1:10 reminds us, For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.
The Harmful Effects of People-Pleasing
I can tell you with certainty, as I’ve experienced it myself, that people bondage does come with a price, and it can lead to sin. Here’s how it can affect your heart:
- Resentment: Prioritizing others’ needs over your own leads to feeling trapped, unable to set boundaries, and suppressing emotions. Over time, this can lead to anger, emotional outbursts, or even ghosting the very people you’ve enabled.
- Erosion of Self-Trust: Continuously putting others first causes you to doubt your own judgment, making it harder to assert boundaries and trust your decisions.
- Loss of Favor with God: Seeking approval from others instead of focusing on your relationship with God can cause His spirit to depart, just as it happened with Saul in the Bible.
When God calls us to serve, it often involves guiding others toward truth and correction—something that can offend many. If we’re stuck in the cycle of people-pleasing, fulfilling this calling becomes difficult. The Bible instructs us in 2 Timothy 4:2: “Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.
Bible Stories That Show the Impact of People-Pleasing
Let’s look at King Saul, the first king of Israel, who struggled with people-pleasing—a weakness that ultimately led to his downfall.
To avoid conflict and maintain favor with the people, he disobeyed God.
In 1 Samuel 15:1-23, God commanded Saul to destroy the Amalekites and everything they had. However, Saul spared their king and kept some livestock, claiming he would use them for sacrifices. His desire to impress the people with generosity, instead of obeying God’s command, led to his rejection as king.
The Consequences of Ignoring Boundaries: Lessons from Saul’s Disobedience
If you are familiar with the Bible, you know that the Amalekites continued to be a threat to Israel even after Saul’s time. The fact that Saul didn’t deal with the issue from the beginning caused ongoing problems.
Just like Saul’s mistake in not obeying initially, we do the same when we don’t set boundaries with others from the start. When we couple that with people-pleasing, we set ourselves up for trouble. When we don’t guard our hearts, people can take advantage of our generosity. Pleasing people may feel good in the short term, but eventually, it leads to turmoil within ourselves.
Healing from People-Pleasing: A Biblical Perspective
To overcome people-pleasing, start by evaluating your intentions: Are you being led by God, or are you motivated by a desire for applause or recognition from others?
This habit often runs deep, so breaking free takes effort. Shift your focus to what God says and meditate on His Word. When you feel the urge to please others, remind yourself of Galatians 1:10.
Picture specific situations and decide how you will respond to honor God. For example, self-talk: If my friend Sandra asks for help with moving, and I don’t feel led to help, especially when she’s fully capable of handling it or could hire someone, my response to her could be: “I know you’ve got this, and you can hire a company to assist you. I don’t feel led to help with this.”
Finally, set healthy boundaries. If you often feel pressured to play the hero around certain individuals, it may be wise to express your feelings and limit your time with them. Protecting your peace and aligning with God’s will is more important than constantly trying to meet others’ expectations.
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